Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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