i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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