I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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