Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
