A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
