remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
