I just saw a hot homeless man
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
