I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
