My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
