I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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