Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
