I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
