The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
