i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
