I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Randomize
