Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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