my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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