i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
