i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
