It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
