i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
