Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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