I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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