my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
