I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
