God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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