I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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