This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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