to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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