Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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