i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
