Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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