Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
