I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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