you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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