Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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