Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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