Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
