just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
