There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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