I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
