I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
