don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
