Only a mothe r could love this liver
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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