well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
