She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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