I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Mom said you looked used
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
