woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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