Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
