Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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