last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
