pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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