Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
