My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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