I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
