just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
